Sunday, December 16, 2012


I don't know how other mothers manage their household and raise their kids while they themselves are sick. However they do it, I'm sure it's better than me.

How other sick moms make breakfast:
They make creamy, rich, steaming hot oatmeal so that everyone starts the day off warm.

How I make breakfast when sick:
I throw each kid a Nutrigrain bar, and add Neo Citran to my coffee.

How other sick moms entertain their kids:
They snuggle while watching cartoons, do puzzles quietly on the floor, read books.

How I entertain the kids when sick:
We compete to see who can snort the most Gravol, and then Google my various symptoms together.

How other sick moms make lunch:
Make a quick PB&J sandwich and goldfish crackers.

How I make the kids lunch when sick:
Give Dryden a box of KD and tell him not to turn the burner up past med-high (for safety reasons.)

How other sick moms spend the afternoon:
Eating homemade chicken noodle soup, reading a magazine, napping in between checking on the sleeping kids.

How I spend the afternoon when sick:
I jack up the fireplace, put on the longest Jim Carrey movie I can find, to occupy the non-nappers, and roll over on the couch. Try not to snore louder than JC's obnoxious voice.

How other sick moms complain to their partner:
"I'm not feeling my best today Hun."

How I complain to my husband when sick:
"I'm dying. I'm fucking dying! IM DYING!!!"

How other sick moms answer the phone:
"*sniff* hello?"

How I answer the phone when sick:
"HackCoughHorkCoughGagCoughCpughPitchooBlarg?" (they eventually hang up)

How other sick moms make supper when sick:
They take out a pre-made, home cooked meal from their freezer.

How I make supper when sick:
"Fend for yourselves. I suggest take out. Order me soup."

How other sick moms take care of themselves:
The make some herbal tea, take a hot, detoxing bath, smear honey and cinnamon from head to toe, and get 10-12 hours of sleep.

How I take care of myself when sick:
Chug NyQuil, smoke a pack of cigarillos, watch Netflix, smear Vicks capo rub on my feet, pass out in front of the fire.

{** Disclaimer** I am kidding- I have never given my kids Gravol ever, and they are not permitted near the stove. I do not make them watch Jim Carrey movies- that would be cruel. RMP**}

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