Friday, December 30, 2011

Santa shops at Costco...

     Well, we managed to navigate our way through another Christmas holiday, enjoying the fun of the season while simultaneously trying not to go crazy. The kids were fantastic- even though their routines and schedules were discarded like the bows, tags, and ribbons adorning their gifts, they stayed in great humour throughout the late nights, early mornings, and crowded rooms. As usual, they were spoiled beyond belief; bringing home an incredible haul of toys, clothes, books, and "babies." We anticipated our families and friends supplying the bulk of their Christmas loot like they tend to do, so Santa brings them a few large gifts to share, stuffs their stockings and Mommy and Daddy wraps up their practical gifts. This year Santa left them a kick ass kitchen/BBQ set with about 1000 accessories that will, with any luck, take Saku an entire year to steal and eat one by one. I love the fact that our kids are still small enough that we can give them practical gifts that they need anyways, and they don't realize that we shafted them with a shitty, unfun present. We gave Dryden a new dresser for his bedroom; Noelle received an electric fireplace for her frigid bedroom and Santa stuffs their stockings with toothbrushes, toothpaste, cool band aides, diaper cream, socks, hats, mittens, bibs, and cold medicine. Ok, I made that last one up...but you get the point. There will eventually come a time when I will have to buy them less lame stocking stuffers and buy that other shit like other parents: whenever the kids need it. Until then, enjoy unwrapping that bottle of shampoo little ones- Santa knew you ran out!

Friday, December 23, 2011

T'was The Night Before The Pomainville's

T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Upside down yogurt containers were everywhere- each containing a mouse.
The stockings were hung on the windowsill with care,
With the hopes that Nicholas would put some good shit in there.
The children were (more or less) nestled snug in their beds,
While visions of chocolate pudding danced in their heads.
And Nick in his boxers, and me not feeling my best,
Had just collapsed into bed for a much needed rest.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I waddled from the bed to see what the fuck was the matter.
Away to the window, which I had recently washed,
Tore open the curtains, and scraped off the frost.
Our thousands of Christmas lights glistened off the snow,
That Nick had spent hours shoveling, with a slight drunken glow.
When, what to my sleep-encrusted eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
The driver was missing (who drives a sleigh? What a dork!)
And perched on our roof, behind that, was the Stork.
"Nick!" I yelled, "Wake the hell up- I think the baby is here!!"
Nick rubbed his eyes drowsily, whispering, "it's far too early for that m'dear."
"Now Nicholas! Now Dryden! Now Noelle and Saku!
Get out of bed- go pack your bags- we still have so much left to do!"
Put our stuff in the van, the hospital we must give a call,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then, with some straining, I could hear through the ceiling
The stork and the reindeer were wheeling and dealing!
As I drew in my head, thinking that Christmas was canned,
Down the stairs ran my Nicholas, shotgun in hand.
He climbed up on the roof, and stared that stork down,
Nick told him to back the hell up, and turn right around.
We weren't ready for Baby, at least not on Christmas Eve,
We hate unannounced visitors... it's my #1 pet peeve.
The stork's eyes, how they were terrified- his bladder let go
He was backing up slowly, his head shaking "no"
Now Nick and I are reasonable, on this you must agree,
But Baby coming early would ruin Christmas you see.
So Stork, you frig off, we still have 20 more days,
We'd like to have Christmas, at home, with the kids anyways.
The stork scrambled away, squawking like a whiny little elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
Nick climbed down the ladder, and came back in the side door,
And about Baby coming early, we would have to worry no more.
We checked on the kids, and hopped back into bed,
The arrival of morning we were starting to dread.
As I snuggled down deeper, Baby still safe in my belly,
Nick turned on the TV and we both watched some telly.
My eyes started to close, and Nick whispered to my right,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

Merry Christmas My Friends! xo

Friday, December 16, 2011

Shit, that's right- I have a blog!

     Wow...have you ever misplaced something or packed it away, and then forgotten that you ever owned it in the first place? My husband feels that way about the Wii and Playstation...and that's a little how I feel about this blog. I got busy doing life stuff, and forgot about it completely until tonight. I might not have even remembered it tonight either if it wasn't for me going into labour. (I can hear my mother-in-law in my head right now as she's reading this: "Going into labour? What the hell is she doing blogging? Call Nicholas and Get To The Hospital!") Back up: I didn't actually go into labour. I have developed a serious sensitivity to gluten, dairy and numerous other foods since the beginning of my pregnancy; I foolishly shared a brownie/cakey thing with Dryden for dessert after lunch and my body is now calling me on my cheat, telling me that the brownie hates me, hates everything about me. This is totally on par with something I would do: mistake indigestion cramps with the beginning stages of giving birth; and I thought to myself that it would make an amusing blog entry. And then I thought, "holy shit- I forgot that I have a blog!"

     I was a little disappointed that I wasn't actually going into labour. I'd love to have the baby a few weeks early and have her here before the holidays. My husband, however, is conflicted. He doesn't have any holidays left at work for this year, so he'd like her to wait until 2012 to make her arrival. But he also acknowledges the benefit of claiming her as a dependant for the entire year of 2011 if she comes in December. As the sole breadwinner in our family, his logic is amazing. After I realized that (a) I am an idiot and that (b) tonight was not Baby Time, I immediately began to get that tight, panicky feeling in my chest. What if the baby does come early? I am completely unprepared. I figured I'd get through Christmas first and then tackle preparing for a new human being to come live with us- but what if we don't get the luxury of such laid back planning? I haven't unpacked any of the baby clothes, our bassinet was ruined during our move here in August, I lent my breast pump out and it perished in the line of duty, I have no itty bitty diapers (newborns can fit in size 6 Pampers, right?), I couldn't even tell you where our baby car seat is, I haven't arranged for a caregiver for the two older kids while we're at the hospital, and I haven't even thought about packing my bag for the hospital yet. I have no lists of "Things to Do For Baby" compiled yet, the baby monitors are in the toy box I think (where did I put the cords for them??), we threw out all the pacifiers when Dryden outgrew them...oh my god. I think I'm having a meltdown. 40 weeks is a deceiving amount of time to be pregnant. Its long enough that you get comfortable and forget that there will be a stage after being pregnant, that eventually you have to prepare for an actual, real, live baby to arrive. And that you have to take care of him/her. All the time.

     My sister made me my baby shower book when I was pregnant with Noelle and in it contained "The Birth Order Of Children." It was funny when I read it then. I actually get it now.

                                           "The Birth Order Of Children"

1st baby: you begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: you wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

1st baby: you practice your breathing regularly.
2nd baby: you don't bother b/c you remember that breathing didn't do shit last time.
3rd baby: you ask for the epidural in the eighth month.

1st baby: you pre-wash all clothes, color coordinate them, fold them neatly into various drawers.
2nd baby: you check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard the ones with stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, right?

1st baby: at the first sign of distress, whimper or frown, you pick up the baby.
2ns baby: you pick up the baby when his screams threaten to wake your first born.
3rd baby: you teach your three year old to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: if the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away to take home, boil, and sanitize it.
2nd baby: when it falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice.
3rd baby: you wipe it off with your shirt and pop it back in.

1st baby: you change the baby's diaper every hour, regardless whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: you change the diaper every 2-3 hours as needed.
3rd baby: you try to change the diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging around their knees.

1st baby: you take baby to Baby Gymnastics, to Baby swimming, to Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: you take baby to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: you take baby to the grocery store and the dry cleaners.

1st baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you rush the child to the ER and demand x-rays.
2nd baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you carefully watch for it to appear in the diaper.
3rd baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you deduct it from their allowance.

1st baby: you spend a good bit of every day just gazing lovingly at your newborn.
2nd baby: you spend quite a bit of every day making sure the older kid isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the newborn.
3rd baby: you spend a little bit of each and every day hiding from the children!