Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Cross Roads, Epiphanies, and Coconut Macaroons

     I had a moment yesterday before my hair appointment, when I stopped in at a grocery store for a Pepsi and gluten free macaroons (no judging!) As I rounded the corner to grab the cookies, I came face to face with a very pregnant woman who's two toddlers were full-on brawling over a box of animal crackers. Her shoulders were slumped, and tears made her eyes shiny.

Almost three years ago, I was her. Same grocery store, different aisle. It was shortly after having our third baby (in just over four years) and I needed stuff at the store (in those days, my very sanity rested precariously on the availability of Pepsi, homo milk, formula, and goldfish crackers.) Nick was working, and I told myself that, "I can do this! I can grocery shop with three kids!"

I couldn't.

When the older woman rounded the corner of my aisle- there we were: toddler Dryden sitting on the floor wailing, slightly older toddler Noëlle in the cart sobbing, tears running down my face as I tried to bottle feed the screaming fucking demon baby in my cart. The woman looked at me kindly and said, 
"it gets better." 
"When?" I replied through furious clenched teeth. "When. Does. It. Get. Better?!" I hissed. Unfortunately, her mythical date of improvement failed to give me comfort that day. 

But she was right; it got better, it got easier. Everything has. When I started this blog I was lost- I had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be, where I belonged. I felt disconnected...irrelevant...incompetent. 
I've used this blog to chronically my growth, as an adult, and just as importantly, as a parent. I can't really pinpoint when things got better; I think I just got better- god knows my kids are still kinda assholes (stop judging. All kids are kinda assholes.) Somewhere along the way, I found what I needed to be happy and healthy.

I get to wave goodbye to my two oldest kids on their school buses, and I have two long/short years left with the baby at home with me; I'm poised to open my dream business that reflects the changes and transition my life has experienced. I'm not sure what else I have planned for NudeMommy...I don't need to use it as a pressure valve anymore, but I'm not ready to stop blogging; I feel like it just needs to evolve- like I did.

* I stood there 100% deer-in-the-headlights staring at this poor mom. I opened my mouth to regurgitate that super unhelpful advice that was offered me...and I stopped. Before I thought about it for too long, I gave her a quick hug, and told her she was doing a good job, that she was a good mom. Because that's what she needed to hear; that's what I had needed to hear that day three years ago. I snatched my cookies, that her two kids were now fighting over, and left to enjoyed some "Me" time getting my hair done (my 5" roots failed to start a global trend unfortunately) while Nick wrangled our kids at home.

NudeMommy out xo

Observations While Back To School Shopping

-Saleswoman at Carter's was a genius for putting a cartoon on so the kids would shut up while I crossed stuff off my list. 
-Apparently coral is going to be big in the world of toddler haut couture.
-Leggings for $15!? I can buy them jeans for that price. Legging should universally have a max retail price of $5. We need a revolution for this people- if someone needs to lose a head for this to happen, so be it.
-Wow! It's been a long time since I've been in Ardene's. #wherewasthatshitwheniwasateen
-Only superhero backpacks will do.
-Also, they are not to be called "book bags", but only "backpacks." Fucking Dora the Explorer...

-Lunch boxes must have a handle "so I can swing it and kill the bad guys attacking the bus." Whatever; that kind is on sale anyways.
-Stay away from the god damn toy aisle.
-$3 T-shirt sale? Buy one of each color. Don't even debate over it.
-Disappear while husband pays at the cash to avoid hearing his mumbling curse  words.
-Tuck a flask filled with margarita in your purse.
-Commence countdown to freedom

Taking a break at the mall.
{you can always point out which kid has a mechanic as a father}

Saku: "this is all clothes- where the fak are my Denta Stix?!?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

T'was The Night Before Summer Vacation

T'was the night before summer vacation
And all through the villa,
Momma was sipping
A glass of straight teq'illa.

The book bags were flung
In the corner like trash,
Kids so hopped up on Freezies;
Ready to crash.

The children were passed out 
Laying half out of their beds,
With visions of non-school related
Fun in their heads.

Nick's looking weary
And I knew, in one of those ways,
That it was -undoubtedly- going to be
A fucking long 68 days.

When up on the staircase
There arose such a clatter,
I *drunken* stumbled out of my chair
To see what was the matter.

Away to the upstairs 
I wobbled like an ass,
Trying to maintain my composure,
My Mommy-like class.

The moon on the faces 
Of my two youngest tykes,
Gave the serious creepiness
Out of horror movies I like.

What to my terrified ears do I hear, 
(Oh my Lord)
"Mommy there's nothing to do;
We are bored!"

For a not-so-thin Mommy
I sure do move quick, 
I hustled down the stairs
To conspire with Nick.

More rapid than eagles
We worked on our phones, 
To organize activities
Before our Summer was blown.

Now splash pads! Now swimming lessons!
Now soccer and horse back riding!
In playgrounds! In museums!
On play dates and sliding.

To the top of that trail,
To hang out at the mall,
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!!

And then in a twinkling
I knew what to do, 
Pack lots of snacks
And memorize everywhere they can poo.

Our days would be packed-
With no time to sit,
Days of leisurely "Mom Stuff",
Had all gone to shit.

All Summer I plan 
To lug them around
To the fair, to the gym, 
Basically, all around town.

I'll take them home every evening,
Exhausted and dirty,
In time for supper and bath time
Then in bed by 7:30.

With a list of stuff to do
Our days will be long,
Filled with crayons, and scissors,
Disney, and songs.

Keeping them busy and happy
Will be a labour of love,
This is what Summer memories
Are surely made of.

Happy summer vacation to all, and to all a stiff drink!

<3 RP

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The End Is Coming

I have one full week to live.
What I meant to type was: I have one full week until summer vacation starts. 

Ours is not a family that does well without consistent structure. Previous summers have taught me that I can no longer say, "we'll see how it goes" or "I don't know what we have planned yet. You guys?" Shit this summer needs to be meticulously planned and choreographed according to the moon cycles and bug feasting patterns. I have 68 days to fill with outside play dates, sensory activities, educational field trips, camp outs, cook outs, craft ideas, visiting random (mostly deaf) relatives, swimming, soccer, gardening, and playgrounds. 

Gone are the days of leisurely tanning in the backyard with a beer and a book; afternoons spent in the backyard now requires 1L of SPF 85, bug spray, wide brimmed hats, enough liquid to hydrate Wisconsin, band aides, iPod for music, a backpack full of snacks, and a slightly drunk Mommy is always favourable. 

I started planning for the summer holidays in May- that bitch isn't going to sneak up and ruin my life this year!! Oh no- with the help of caffeine and Pintrest, I got this. I have an entire virtual board filled with crafts, activities, and educational-homework-disguised as fun. These little bastards are going to go to bed each night exhausted, creative, and smarter- so help me God. 

Kids are always good in museums, right?!?

Anything else local to add to these lists? Help a Momma out...

Weekly rewards that I will make them learn how to read muahahaha

You're going down Summer!

My back-up plan

Friday, June 13, 2014

Father's Day

     Today, I'd like to acknowledge the men among us who are lucky enough to be called "Dad"

Today is for the modern man, the New Dad who learns how to change diapers, who takes his turn in the nightly feeding rotation, who gets spit up on, barfed on, and shit on...he is sleep deprived, malnourished and overwhelmed- but still remembers to tell baby's Mom that she's doing a great job.

Today is for the dads patiently teaching their kids to take a step, kick a ball, read a word, shoot a puck, cast a rod, tie their shoe, play a riff, change a tire, pump their own gas, do long division, tie a neck tie, hold the door open for an elder, and burp the alphabet.

Today is for the stay-at-home dads. God bless you. You gently flip society the bird while holding a crying toddler on your hip, helping Jr with his homework, and turning out a delicious supper all at the same time. 

Today is for the dads with daughters. Thank you for embracing pink and purple. Thank you for participating in tea parties, for knowing all the Disney princesses' names, for bringing beautiful flowers to her dance recital. Thank you for standing your ground and not letting her leave the house in that outfit, for giving her boyfriend a chance, for encouraging her to do anything- be everything, for barely holding it together walking her down the aisle. 

Today is for the dads with sons. Thank you for letting him decide what he's interested in. Thank you for letting him try every single sport, every single instrument, every single video game. Thank you for taking him outside, for teaching him how to treat women properly, for telling him that it's ok to make mistakes, for suggesting that he sees the world. Thank you for being the best example of what a "real man" should be. 

Today is a hurrah for the single dads. Are you even human?? Seriously, good for you; I think you're amazing. Your kids do too- trust me.

Today is for the dads of special needs children. These dads who navigate and overcome pained emotions, and loss of future dreams daily to find genuine contentment and joy in the kid they have been blessed with. We should exude gratitude and praise to these men, as the reality is that their kids may not be able to. 

Today is for the not-so-present dads. May today act as a reminder to them that they are not too late, that they can still be an active, instrumental part of their child's life. 

Today is for the Grandpas- it's definitely more fun the second time around, isn't it? :)

Today is for every man who has ever put his needs last to provide for his family, who spends a portion of every day trying to carve out a better place in this world for their child to exist happily in, who gives tirelessly of himself to his children- thank you. The happiest of Father's Days to you xo

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Life is more entertaining in my head

I'm a pretty good parent- but if truth be told, that's only because I'm exceptional at censoring what's really going on in my head. 

Kid says: I drew this for you; do you know what it is?

What I say in my head: multicoloured spaghetti diarrhea? And that purple squiggle in the corner looks like a dick.

What I say out loud: Wow! Look at all those colors- can you name them all for me? It's beautiful.

Kid says: Can I play with the IPad in bed?

What I say in my head: I have a date with level 83 of Candy Crush in 10 minutes. You're going down chocolate mountain!

What I say out loud: the blue light from the iPad is bad for sleepy time.

Kid says: Oh yeah? Well I don't like you anymore!

What I say in my head: I haven't liked you in weeks- you're an asshole! As a matter of fact, we're through. Pack your crap and get out! I'm calling my mother.

What I say out loud: That hurt my feelings. You sit here alone and think about that.

Kid says: Guard the door while I go poop.

What I say in my head: We're the only two home!? Who in their right mind wants to barge in on your stinky self pooping??

What I say out loud: Sure thing Bud

Noëlle says (at 5:00 am): Do you want to eat?? 

What I say in my head: No. Sleeping. Go. Away. Now.

What I say out loud: Good communicating- you're so smart...and up early.

Kid says: Are those your boobies? 

What I say in my head: Nope. I went to the plastic surgeon and paid big bucks for these over-sized-had-three-kids-saggy tits. Aren't they awesome?

What I say out loud: Of course they're my boobies- they're part of my body and I love them (*gag, I know*)

Kid says: Let me play you a song on my drum.

What I say in my head: Holy fuck I wish you wouldn't. Seriously.

What I say out loud: I love your songs!!

Kid says: Bubble Guppies. NOW!

What I say in my head: Wow- you're an asshole.

What I say out loud: I didn't hear any manners...

Kid says: I really want a cookie.

What I say in my head: Me too...and if you weren't standing here with me, I'd be eating one secretly.

What I say out loud: Supper is almost ready. You can have one after. 

Kid says: If Storm and Firestar had a fight, Firestar would win.

What I say in my head: No, Storm could just whip up a tornado and funnel Firestar's flame like a flamethrower...then She-Hulk would come and kick both those silly bitches asses. 

What I say out loud: Really? How come?

Kid says: Saku keeps sniffing me.

What I say in my head: That's because you smell like sweaty feet/peanut butter/ old farts/play doh

What I say out loud: That's because he loves you!


What I say in my head: I've had whiney friends like you; they suck.

What I say out loud: No I'm not, I'm your Mother. 

Kid Says: Can I stay up late?

What I say in my head: HAHAHAHAHA
Fuck no. I've been excited for your bed time for seven hours.

What I say out loud: No.

My sensoring ability deteriorates with direct proportion to caffeine consumed/hours slept 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

How To Have An "OKer" Marriage

     Have you seen any of these lists floating around Facebook and Pintrest: "25 Ways To Have A Happy Marriage" or "How to Keep Joy In Your Marriage" or "18,000,000 Tricks To Please Your Man" (That last one might have actually been a Cosmo title I saw at the cash at Walmart.) I skim through these lists, and I find them to be misogynistic, outdated, or just plain ridiculous:
"If someone has to win the argument, let it always be him."
"Have the house cleaned, and his favorite meal ready when he comes home."
"Do not burden him with your worries."
"Don't reject his advances in the bedroom"
"Occasionally slather yourself with chocolate and/or bacon grease."

I read these lists and I always think: "Is it just me, or is this not the fucking stupidest thing ever written!?" Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not above marriage advice, or even ideas on how to live our years so that they are the best; I am, however, above advice that debases the needs, thoughts, ambitions, and desires of one person in favour of another. I hate these lists because I feel like my marriage can never relate to them, I feel like they are almost always skewed to a particular sex, or religious belief, or impossible to achieve ideal.

I made my own list that I will now force my husband, with penalties of a swift death, to adhere to.

Rachel's List To {maybe} Avoid Divorce:

1. The Marriage Hierarchy
Segal/Star Wars/Lord of the Ring/007 Movies

This should be the order of importance. My husband and our relationship should always come first. My parents did this- they always sided with each other (even though they were usually dead wrong.) Sure, at the time we hated them for it, but hey, they're going on almost 40 years turns out they were right. Yup, still hate admitting that...

2. Alone Time
"My husband is my best friend!"
No, he's not. He's your husband. You have an actual best friend- go hang out with her! HE has a best friend- he needs to go hang out with him...without you. Everyone needs personal time/space to enjoy and pursue interests and hobbies, to bond and relate with their friends. To deny this is selfish, immature, and stifling.

3. Go to bed angry.
Bitch please, we've had arguments that have lasted a week- you expect me to not go to bed until that's straightened out!? Nope. Go to bed. Get some sleep. Cool your jets. Wake up (hopefully) less angry/stubborn/irrational/venomous.
If need be, carry on fighting- after caffeine has been consumed...let's argue responsibly please.

4. Don't hate on their family/friends.
Yes, his Uncle's step-daughter's boyfriend is a complete douchebag...don't constantly point it out. Unless he does first...then by all means, make fun of that knob together. 

5. Praise him publicly.
Yes, yes- this one is annoying and cliché, but I actually agree with it. I try to always build Nick up, openly praising his work ethic, his ability to provide for us, his superior parenting skills, his excellent husbandtry (not even sure if that's an actual word...sounds like a class you take in high school, right after carpentry...) It would be hard for Nick to believe that I love and respect him if I did otherwise. 

6. Split the household work in a way that makes sense to your family.
I'm a stay-at-home mom so it makes sense that I do most of the household chores; however, that's not chiseled in stone, and I'm also not the maid. Don't be that jackass guy who leaves his underwear on the floor in front of the goddamn hamper. Don't be a slob. Women, don't be a martyr, or worse, a Facebook domestic victim constantly whining about how you're the only one who cleans. Unless you're bitching about the empty toilet paper roll...seriously, I will hunt you down like the lazy swine you are if pull that stunt with me >:/

7. Keep things spicy- learn a new trick in the bedroom.
Pretty self-explanatory. 
Not good at learning tricks? Amazon had"tricks" books.

8. Sex
Yes please! Intimacy and physical touch is pretty damn important in a marriage. It shouldn't be used as a bartering chip, or withheld as blackmail.

9. Stop pointing fingers
This isn't Yahtzee; stop keeping score. The need to constantly, without fail, point out who was wrong, how often they were wrong, and the severity of how god damn wrong they were is not only unbecoming, it's exhausting and syphons all positivity from a relationship. 

10. Don't be an Asshole
(A) When fighting, don't call names, swear, or bring up things that have already been forgiven/solved.

(B) If you realize that one of you are acting like an Asshole, you should be able to call an Asshole Timeout. It can go something like this:
"Wait, wait. Asshole Time Out. One of us is being a douche. Let's take some deep breaths, sit quiet for a minute and start over."  No offence should be taken during an Asshole Timeout.

Those are my basics to *possibly* not get divorced. 
I'd love to hear any additions you'd like added.