Kid says: I drew this for you; do you know what it is?
What I say in my head: multicoloured spaghetti diarrhea? And that purple squiggle in the corner looks like a dick.
What I say out loud: Wow! Look at all those colors- can you name them all for me? It's beautiful.
Kid says: Can I play with the IPad in bed?
What I say in my head: I have a date with level 83 of Candy Crush in 10 minutes. You're going down chocolate mountain!
What I say out loud: the blue light from the iPad is bad for sleepy time.
Kid says: Oh yeah? Well I don't like you anymore!
What I say in my head: I haven't liked you in weeks- you're an asshole! As a matter of fact, we're through. Pack your crap and get out! I'm calling my mother.
What I say out loud: That hurt my feelings. You sit here alone and think about that.
Kid says: Guard the door while I go poop.
What I say in my head: We're the only two home!? Who in their right mind wants to barge in on your stinky self pooping??
What I say out loud: Sure thing Bud
Noëlle says (at 5:00 am): Do you want to eat??
What I say in my head: No. Sleeping. Go. Away. Now.
What I say out loud: Good communicating- you're so smart...and up early.
Kid says: Are those your boobies?
What I say in my head: Nope. I went to the plastic surgeon and paid big bucks for these over-sized-had-three-kids-saggy tits. Aren't they awesome?
What I say out loud: Of course they're my boobies- they're part of my body and I love them (*gag, I know*)
Kid says: Let me play you a song on my drum.
What I say in my head: Holy fuck I wish you wouldn't. Seriously.
What I say out loud: I love your songs!!
Kid says: Bubble Guppies. NOW!
What I say in my head: Wow- you're an asshole.
What I say out loud: I didn't hear any manners...
Kid says: I really want a cookie.
What I say in my head: Me too...and if you weren't standing here with me, I'd be eating one secretly.
What I say out loud: Supper is almost ready. You can have one after.
Kid says: If Storm and Firestar had a fight, Firestar would win.
What I say in my head: No, Storm could just whip up a tornado and funnel Firestar's flame like a flamethrower...then She-Hulk would come and kick both those silly bitches asses.
What I say out loud: Really? How come?
Kid says: Saku keeps sniffing me.
What I say in my head: That's because you smell like sweaty feet/peanut butter/ old farts/play doh
What I say out loud: That's because he loves you!
Kid says: YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!!
What I say in my head: I've had whiney friends like you; they suck.
What I say out loud: No I'm not, I'm your Mother.
Kid Says: Can I stay up late?
What I say in my head: HAHAHAHAHA
Fuck no. I've been excited for your bed time for seven hours.
What I say out loud: No.
My sensoring ability deteriorates with direct proportion to caffeine consumed/hours slept