Friday, December 16, 2011

Shit, that's right- I have a blog!

     Wow...have you ever misplaced something or packed it away, and then forgotten that you ever owned it in the first place? My husband feels that way about the Wii and Playstation...and that's a little how I feel about this blog. I got busy doing life stuff, and forgot about it completely until tonight. I might not have even remembered it tonight either if it wasn't for me going into labour. (I can hear my mother-in-law in my head right now as she's reading this: "Going into labour? What the hell is she doing blogging? Call Nicholas and Get To The Hospital!") Back up: I didn't actually go into labour. I have developed a serious sensitivity to gluten, dairy and numerous other foods since the beginning of my pregnancy; I foolishly shared a brownie/cakey thing with Dryden for dessert after lunch and my body is now calling me on my cheat, telling me that the brownie hates me, hates everything about me. This is totally on par with something I would do: mistake indigestion cramps with the beginning stages of giving birth; and I thought to myself that it would make an amusing blog entry. And then I thought, "holy shit- I forgot that I have a blog!"

     I was a little disappointed that I wasn't actually going into labour. I'd love to have the baby a few weeks early and have her here before the holidays. My husband, however, is conflicted. He doesn't have any holidays left at work for this year, so he'd like her to wait until 2012 to make her arrival. But he also acknowledges the benefit of claiming her as a dependant for the entire year of 2011 if she comes in December. As the sole breadwinner in our family, his logic is amazing. After I realized that (a) I am an idiot and that (b) tonight was not Baby Time, I immediately began to get that tight, panicky feeling in my chest. What if the baby does come early? I am completely unprepared. I figured I'd get through Christmas first and then tackle preparing for a new human being to come live with us- but what if we don't get the luxury of such laid back planning? I haven't unpacked any of the baby clothes, our bassinet was ruined during our move here in August, I lent my breast pump out and it perished in the line of duty, I have no itty bitty diapers (newborns can fit in size 6 Pampers, right?), I couldn't even tell you where our baby car seat is, I haven't arranged for a caregiver for the two older kids while we're at the hospital, and I haven't even thought about packing my bag for the hospital yet. I have no lists of "Things to Do For Baby" compiled yet, the baby monitors are in the toy box I think (where did I put the cords for them??), we threw out all the pacifiers when Dryden outgrew them...oh my god. I think I'm having a meltdown. 40 weeks is a deceiving amount of time to be pregnant. Its long enough that you get comfortable and forget that there will be a stage after being pregnant, that eventually you have to prepare for an actual, real, live baby to arrive. And that you have to take care of him/her. All the time.

     My sister made me my baby shower book when I was pregnant with Noelle and in it contained "The Birth Order Of Children." It was funny when I read it then. I actually get it now.

                                           "The Birth Order Of Children"

1st baby: you begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: you wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

1st baby: you practice your breathing regularly.
2nd baby: you don't bother b/c you remember that breathing didn't do shit last time.
3rd baby: you ask for the epidural in the eighth month.

1st baby: you pre-wash all clothes, color coordinate them, fold them neatly into various drawers.
2nd baby: you check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard the ones with stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, right?

1st baby: at the first sign of distress, whimper or frown, you pick up the baby.
2ns baby: you pick up the baby when his screams threaten to wake your first born.
3rd baby: you teach your three year old to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: if the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away to take home, boil, and sanitize it.
2nd baby: when it falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice.
3rd baby: you wipe it off with your shirt and pop it back in.

1st baby: you change the baby's diaper every hour, regardless whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: you change the diaper every 2-3 hours as needed.
3rd baby: you try to change the diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging around their knees.

1st baby: you take baby to Baby Gymnastics, to Baby swimming, to Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: you take baby to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: you take baby to the grocery store and the dry cleaners.

1st baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you rush the child to the ER and demand x-rays.
2nd baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you carefully watch for it to appear in the diaper.
3rd baby: when s/he swallows a coin, you deduct it from their allowance.

1st baby: you spend a good bit of every day just gazing lovingly at your newborn.
2nd baby: you spend quite a bit of every day making sure the older kid isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the newborn.
3rd baby: you spend a little bit of each and every day hiding from the children!

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