T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Upside down yogurt containers were everywhere- each containing a mouse.
The stockings were hung on the windowsill with care,
With the hopes that Nicholas would put some good shit in there.
The children were (more or less) nestled snug in their beds,
While visions of chocolate pudding danced in their heads.
And Nick in his boxers, and me not feeling my best,
Had just collapsed into bed for a much needed rest.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I waddled from the bed to see what the fuck was the matter.
Away to the window, which I had recently washed,
Tore open the curtains, and scraped off the frost.
Our thousands of Christmas lights glistened off the snow,
That Nick had spent hours shoveling, with a slight drunken glow.
When, what to my sleep-encrusted eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
The driver was missing (who drives a sleigh? What a dork!)
And perched on our roof, behind that, was the Stork.
"Nick!" I yelled, "Wake the hell up- I think the baby is here!!"
Nick rubbed his eyes drowsily, whispering, "it's far too early for that m'dear."
"Now Nicholas! Now Dryden! Now Noelle and Saku!
Get out of bed- go pack your bags- we still have so much left to do!"
Put our stuff in the van, the hospital we must give a call,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then, with some straining, I could hear through the ceiling
The stork and the reindeer were wheeling and dealing!
As I drew in my head, thinking that Christmas was canned,
Down the stairs ran my Nicholas, shotgun in hand.
He climbed up on the roof, and stared that stork down,
Nick told him to back the hell up, and turn right around.
We weren't ready for Baby, at least not on Christmas Eve,
We hate unannounced visitors... it's my #1 pet peeve.
The stork's eyes, how they were terrified- his bladder let go
He was backing up slowly, his head shaking "no"
Now Nick and I are reasonable, on this you must agree,
But Baby coming early would ruin Christmas you see.
So Stork, you frig off, we still have 20 more days,
We'd like to have Christmas, at home, with the kids anyways.
The stork scrambled away, squawking like a whiny little elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
Nick climbed down the ladder, and came back in the side door,
And about Baby coming early, we would have to worry no more.
We checked on the kids, and hopped back into bed,
The arrival of morning we were starting to dread.
As I snuggled down deeper, Baby still safe in my belly,
Nick turned on the TV and we both watched some telly.
My eyes started to close, and Nick whispered to my right,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
Merry Christmas My Friends! xo