Thursday, December 13, 2012

Nerd Turd

I hate my smile. Now, although my teeth aren't horrendous- they are imperfect enough to make me feel self-conscious. I rarely smile those open and spontaneous "toothy" smiles all the bitches in toothpaste commercials have perfected. My standard photo op smile is a cross between "Angry Duck Face" and "Shy Geisha Smirk." (Let that visual sink in.) Now understand why I am the Picture Taker and avoid being immortalized on film at all cost.

This Tuesday morning, at the ripe old age of 30, I got braces. I guess I romanticized the idea of braces, because I was a bit unprepared for how they would look and feel.

My whole mouth is throbbing. It feels like a mini dance party in there- minus the tequila shots...which might help the pain.

It hurts to eat soup.

They installed "bite guards" on my top incisors (pointy teeth) which are hard plastic nubs which prevent me from chewing properly. How am I supposed to eat with these suckin' things on?

How do you think they look? I have fucking braces and I'm 30. They look stupid.

I used a month's worth of wax covering every pointy part of these metal babies so they'd stop shredding the inside of my lips and cheeks to ribbons. So it kinda doesn't look like braces...more like I haven't brushed my teeth in...ever.

Those bite guards I mentioned on my top pointy teeth? Yeah, they make me look like a vampire. Throw some fucking glitter on me and I could be Edward Cullen's long last, fatter half-sister.

I'm only half serious. I'm happy I have them. I know the pain will go away. I know I will love my smile. And since I cannot chew- I'm bound to drop some pounds.


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