Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Are You There God? It's Me, Rachel

This past Sunday we finally had our 10 month old daughter Raegan baptized. Why did we wait so long? Because we are horrible Catholics, that's why. Seriously. Christ sees us coming, and he turns and mutters to Gabriel under his breath, "Oh great, not these fucking assholes again." Without a doubt, we do not attend mass as often as we should, as often as we'd like. To be honest, we were quite embarrassed and anxious to ask our priest, who never sees us, to christen Raegan. Our options were few: bite the holy bullet and ask, or change religions.
(Would we get to meet Tom Cruise if we converted to Scientology?! That should be a selling feature on their pamphlet. I would also consider becoming a Jehovah's Witness. I would only visit the people I didn't like though. Gave my kid a dirty look in the grocery store? Gossiped about me at the Tupperware party did ya? Guess who's getting weekly visits and pamphlets for the next two years to try to save your lying, whoring ass...See you later during the most inconvenient time of your day!)

We don't go to Church because my husband works on the weekends and the thought of trying to wrangle three kids by myself during mass turns my bowels to burning liquid. I see other babies at church sleeping soundly, nestled at their parent's neck and toddlers sitting silent and serene playing with their homemade quiet books, and I think to myself, "HA! Fat fucking chance." Dryden would take that quiet book, turn around waving it and yell to whoever was sitting nearest to us, "LOOK! I GOTTA BOOK! WANNA PLAY? LET'S SING: wonder pets, wonder pets, Jesus loves you..." All the while I'd be swatting him and hissing "Shhhh!" in my most pissed off whisper. Meanwhile, the baby would have crapped herself (probably leaking out, ruining her dress that I had to hold her down and wrestle her into) and the toxic fumes being emitted from this Diaper From Satan Himself would gag and sicken everyone around us. I wouldn't be able to change her right away though, because she would inevitably be screaming for a bottle. A bottle that Noƫlle would undoubtedly have wandered away with on her quest to be picked up and snuggled by everyone present in the building. That would be me, trailing after her from pew to pew whispering fiercely, "Get ov...Get back...come here...Jesus Christ get over here NOW!" At the end of the mass I would be exhausted, furious, embarrassed, and would have cursed every vile word known to mankind in my head. Now doesn't that sound like a renewing, spiritual weekly ritual to you? Me neither.

(After that rant, I forget why I like going to Church at all...)

Our priest was cool- he understands how life can get. So on Sunday we had our family and close friends over to help celebrate Raegan's induction into the Church, and into our parish community. My Mom had to let out the seams and McGuiver'ed the dress to fit Raegan- that's how long we waited to get her baptized :s The Church echoed with the sounds of kids playing and laughing and having a great time, and Raegan's god parents Marc and Marie took their jobs very seriously. We are fortunate to have family and friends who always come to support and rejoice in our young family's special days; they shower us with gifts, and carve time out of their busy lives to show that they love us, and that we are important to them. God has bestowed upon us these blessings, and we will renew our efforts to repay him in kind.

No comments:

Post a Comment