Today I was nagging our three year old to pick up his toys, to be nice to his sister, to remember his manners, and to listen to Mommy, when suddenly he threw his hands up over his head in exasperation, sighed loudly, and said, "it's tough being wittle Momma!" Really?! Hmmm...got me thinking...
#1 That awkward moment when you hug your father's leg for five minutes in a crowded room, only to look up and discover that this moustached imposter is not your Daddy.
#2 Relaxing after a long, tiring afternoon and enjoying the best poop of the day: Mom ruins it by pulling the bathtub plug...
#3 Sippy cup of milk rolls under the couch- arms too short to reach it. Meh, Mom will discover it next week.
#4 Conspire with Dog to steal Baby's cookie: treacherous Dog betrays me and eats the entire thing. Asshole...
#5 Mess up the words to ABCs in front of friend. Feel like an idiot.
#6 Why do they keep scheduling these play dates with the blond girl? OMG- I think I'm involved in an arranged marriage!!
#7 Potty training is a scam my fellow kids! Unite and stand as one: "Hell no! We won't go (on the potty)"
#8 That awkward moment when someone in the playgroup smells like piss, and you're the only one with a wet spot in the crotch of your jeans.
#9 Spend all morning rearranging the Tupperware, pots and pans, and cutlery. Ungrateful Parental Unit does not appreciate my efforts.
#10 Mom locked the bathroom door- how am I supposed to keep her company and ask her 78 questions in under 60 seconds now?!
#11 Dad farted, blamed it on me. Again.
#12 Dog farted. Everyone assumes it was me. WTF?
#13 Cannot pronounce my "R's", "L's" or "H's." Am mocked relentlessly at grown-up parties. Bullying: it's everywhere.
#14 Dad cancels Netflix. My life. Is over.
#15 Mom is on a health kick; my standard peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off is replaced with a roasted veggie and quinoa salad. Yeah, that shit is getting fed to the Dog. Good thing I hid cheesies in the toy room.
#16 Bed time is announced suddenly- get that "deer-caught-in-the-headlights" look. No where to run and hide. Well played Parental Unit, well played.
#17 Poppa bought me a 10 pack of Timbits: 6 of them are the cherry flavoured ones. Fail.
#18 Took my Big Wheels truck out for a joy ride; got a flat near the mailbox..had to call the Dog for a tow. FML
#19 Dog buried 18 of my Hot Wheels cars in the sandbox- spent all morning excavating to retrieve them. Was too tired to fight off nap time...
#20 Yelled "SNACK" 67 times before the female parent got the hint.
#21 Dad is incompetent: I have to help him "fix" everything. I also have to hide his tools so he won't lose them.
#22 If Mom sings that effing "Clean Up" song once more I'm gonna lose it!
#23 Dad insists I play with Baby- really? She eats dirt off the floor and laughs at her own feet. God, this is slumming it- I hope none of my friends see me.
#24 Male parent thinks I'm his servant: taught me to fetch his beer. I'll secretly "fetch" it more often when I'm 16 ;)
#25 I got 99 problems, but a diaper ain't one.