Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Stunning "New" Life

     I need a new life. These last three weeks have left me struggling with exhaustion, disorganization, and dissatisfaction. I wish that I could proclaim that the previous 20 days were filled with a myriad of dates, activities, travel, and socializing to merit me feeling so worn, so eroded...but I can't. To try to justify such feelings would, essentially, be a lie. I cannot understand what is still wrong with me: I am young, relatively healthy, I married up, I have a nice home and two unbearably cute kids...why aren't my days more satisfying? I don't need a better life- I need to start taking advantage of the life that I have and make it better (more better? Bettterer?) I've spent the last three nights in solitude, in the bathtub, chin deep in blueberry scented bubbles, the bathroom lit solely by tea light candles, condensation slowly sliding down the curved side of my wine glass...and it dawned on me: an epiphany as clear (clearer?) as a star infested sky. I need to make more specific goals and actions to achieve these milestones. I'd like to share my list that I compiled while steeping in blueberry water, not because I am selfless {that is merely a bi-product of this act :)} but because it will make me accountable for my actions if others are aware of them. I also reserve the right to add to this list as I so wish.

1-Keep a journal (this blog counts as my journal)
2-Get out of bed by 7:30 every morning (I apologize in advance for my bitchiness until this routine is engrained)
3-Yoga or pilates to start my day.
4-Eat breakfast!
5-Plan a schedule for the week...but don't be super anal about it. Learn to be flexible.
6-Stop drinking Pepsi (seriously, please stop laughing. For the last 15 years I have drank nothing but Pepsi and I think my insides are melting. It was easier to stop smoking and drinking alcohol than it was to stop Pepsi-ing. This will be a painfully gradual process.)
7-No snacking after supper.
8-Save more money.
9-Go places I haven't been in years: museums, art galleries, poetry readings, book reading/signing, outdoor plays and concerts.
10-Be more diligent with "Thank You" letters.
11-Write letters to friends. Not emails, not txt msgs, not rambling messages left on lonely answering machines. Actual letters on actual paper with $0.64 stamps.
12-Stop holding onto long-forgotten grudges. They melt your insides much like Pepsi.
13-Apologize when I am wrong. Maybe even when I'm not. And be genuine.
14-Stop watching TV this summer (HBO shows are permitted.) I did this last year and it was amazing how much time I re-discovered in my days.
15-Read more about things I am totally uneducated about (almost anything on the bookshelf really...)
16-Do not participate in gossip. It is horrible. Plain and simple.
17-Get serious about jogging!! Stop making excuses and just get out and move...regardless of how foolish/sad/uncoordinated I fear I may look 
18-"Don't waste good." This applies to friends, food, stories, opportunities, memories etc.
19-Stop being an observer and get on the floor to play.
20-Take the kids outside to play as often as possible.
21-Network and socialize with my neighbours. I like these people- why don't I act like it?
22-Make a greater effort to talk to my siblings and/or their spouses every week. I've unconsciously pushed them out of my support network, thinking that they simply must be too busy with their own families to make a difference in mine. I need to rectify this.
23-Take our kids to visit their great-grandparents every month. They won't be around forever (well actually, my Nana Marleau will be- that woman is indestructible. Its kinda creepy)
24-Be more active in my community- surely someone would like my help doing something.
25-Go back to Church. I talk to God all the time; I beg for his help on a daily basis. He needs to see me in his house every now and then to remember who I am.
26-Stop knowingly putting junk into my body. Be honest about eating healthier and take some vitamins- I'm obviously lacking something vital to be feeling so tired all the time.
27-Visit friends and family more often.
28-Crash more parties and events. Not invited? I don't give a shit anymore. I want to see you and/or have fun with the people at your get-together. I'll bring wine?
29-Enjoy the free things close to home (or the cottage) Craft and Artisan shows, events at the Rec Centre, sugar camps, splash parks, shows at the library, the Early Years Centre, the Aquatic Centre, parades, winter carnivals, bike paths, bird sanctuary, hobby farms. Entertaining my kids with mind opening experiences does not have to cost a fortune- just some brain cells.
30-Stop creeping on people's FB. If I care about you enough to look at your pictures and snoop in your life, then I should like you enough to leave a simple "Hey!" on your bloody wall.
31-Open my home to the people I love. Host a dinner party, or a wine tasting night, a monthly book club, a campfire complete with S'mores, or a weekly scrapbooking evening, an Ugly Sweater party, champagne brunches, or a Wii party. Why am I always waiting for someone else to make my fun?
32-Say "Yes" to anything I'm invited to for the next 6 months (provided I can find a babysitter or that I won't go stark raving mad if I have bring the kids with me. My digression)
33-Do not pacify Noelle's therapists- do the exercises and activities with gusto and give Noelley my wholehearted effort and the best chance in life. I can do better. I will do better.

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