Today was very frustrating. I was exasperated nearly to the limit of my tolerance for "obnoxious." Yes, I'll concede that because I don't feel well, my breaking point is substantially lower, but still...I was inexplicably frustrated by my kids' lack of communication skills. And yes, I am fully aware that this is not their fault. Dryden is 22 months old and has a vocabulary of maybe 20-25 (random) words and Noelle is fairly similar. The entire day was spent with both kids alternating their periods of extreme whining (it could be a TLC show..."Extreme Whining" and it can be on right after "Extreme Couponing." Both shows will be uber annoying- but I digress.) It is days like today that I wish I had a universal remote for these two darlings and I could push the "translate" button to have subtitles appear under them to explain what the fuck they are crying about/pointing at/giving me dirty looks for/whining about/throwing a tantrum over. I've composed a little example of what this might look like if I could ask my kids what's up...and they could answer me in a language I can clearly understand.
Me: Why did you take your diaper off at nap time and pee on the floor? And then yell about it?
Kid: The tag on the side was scratching me really bad and I figured nap time was almost over anyways. Once I got the diaper off...woo! the cool air from the ceiling fan made me pee. I cried because I was quite embarrassed. Thanks for not yelling at me.
Me: Noelle, why do you freak out when the dog sniffs you?
Kid: His nose is cold, and wet, and slimy- can you say "gross?" Plus, I hate it when he licks me- he has bad breath
Me: Why do you jerks keep throwing your half full bowls of food on the floor?!
Kid: I love the sound apple sauce makes when it lands on the floor. Such a pretty "Ploop"
Me: What are you pointing at on the kitchen counter top? What do you want? There is nothing up there?
Kid: Counter top? What the hell is that? I'm pointing at the spider crawling on the wall...
Me: Why do you guys freak out every time Daddy leaves for work? Why aren't you used to him leaving at the same time every day?
Kids: Um...Daddy doesn't put us on as many Time Outs as you do and he doesn't care when we play with things you say "No!" to....plus he sneaks us marshmallows when you're not looking (For the record, I am ALWAYS looking)
Me: Why do you look me in the eyes, and throw whatever is in your hand onto the floor once I've already scolded you?
Kid: I just want my intentions and feelings to be known without a doubt. I disagree with your sentence of a Time Out and am appealing it to higher powers...
Me: Seriously, you just had a three hour nap- why do you need to whine for a full hour after you get up?
Kid: Dude, I was dreaming about splashing around in the pool with that cool two year old from down the street and he was about to tell me something important and you woke me up! Now I'll never know the secret of bipassing child-proof locks. Thanks a lot...if I'm pissed, then you should be miserable too.
Me: Why do you keep throwing your sippy cup at me?
Kid: you look thirsty?
Me: What was that dirty look for after I told you to stop playing on the stairs?
Kids: I didn't like the tone of your voice Missy!
Me: Why did you shut the door on me when I was saying goodnight?
Kid: I know for a fact that you put me to bed 15 minutes early!! Not cool Mommy...not cool