Monday, June 25, 2012

Rules to Live by

I broke an alarming amount of Mom Rules today. What are "Mom Rules" you may ask...they are rules I have put into place to ensure that my day goes smoothly. And by "smoothly" I mean so I don't snap and loose my shit.

Rachel's Mom Rules

1. Never, ever, EVER remove a dirty diaper unless you have a new one unfolded and ready to slip under the bare bum. Trust me, the moment you forget this rule will result in your child pissing on your best friend's goose-down filled duvet, or having a disgusting green baby crap on the in-laws' micro suede sofa.

2. Never let your container of wipes go lower that 1/3 full. Some of these baby craps are fantastic feats of nature and the last thing you want is to be half way through a change and run out. Then you either have to pick up a still poop covered child to go hunting for more wipes, or you risk strapping the babe in and returning to a shit smeared change table.

3. Pack your diaper bag as though you might get lost in the wilderness for a week. Things I've learned to include in our bag: plastic bags, Kleenex, Swiss army knife, bum cream, tempra, thermometer, compass, back-up pacifier, bear spray, chap stix, flare gun, spork, blanket, sippy cup, kneedle/thread/safety pins, lighter, water, formula, flint, snacks for kids, snack and emergency mini Pepsi for mommy.
How big is my diaper bag? Enormous.

4. Pack a change of clothes for everyone and leave it in your vehicle. This has saved us. I've had to resort to my back up outfit of yoga pants and bright red T-shirt to finish my errand once. Oddly enough, I was still a contender for best dressed shopper in Walmart that day.

5. Keep an incredibly well stocked pantry. Snacks will shut up almost any grumpy, tired, hungry, bored child.

6. Never underestimate the power of the Backyardigans. They just might save your life.

7. Yoga pants are for yoga. The day you wear them past 9am is the day unexpected company will drop in.

8. Don't tempt fate- or toddlers- keep breakables out of reach. Sure, my house will look kinda stupid for the next few years, but nothing will shatter and no trips to the ER for stitched will (hopefully) be made.

9. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!

10. Choose your battles wisely: kid wants to play with the dog's toys- let her. Kid wants to wear two different shoes outside to play- let him. Kid wants to chew on the handle of my designer purse- let her.

11. Do not schedule anything between the hours of 1 and 3; this is prime nap time and it is non-negotiable. Death to anyone who interrupts this sacred period. I would rather snuff them out and serve a prison term than spend and afternoon with numerous kids who have not napped.

12. Yes, those platform wedges look amazing on the shelf, but remember that while you are wearing them you will be lugging around a 30 pound baby carrier, and more than likely, a 30 pound toddler as well. Flats are pretty too.

13. Have some wine chilling in the fridge at all times. Not a big drinker? You will be.

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