Thursday, May 10, 2012


     Last Friday I went out to lunch in Barhaven with three friends from university; one of these lovely ladies is moving back to NFLD and this was our last get-together before her migration East. I took Raegan with me so everyone could meet her, and left Nick at home to entertain the two older kids. All said and done, I was gone for almost 6 hours. When I maneuvered our van down the driveway and parked in my spot, I was slightly startled to see Nick already standing at my door, waiting to help my unpack the baby. I walked into the kitchen and was greeted loudly by Dryden (wearing inside-out shorts, one sock, and Nick's toque) running by me yelling like a wild banshee- the dog was in hot pursuit. I turned to look at Nick, only to see that Noelle was engaged in a full body wrap around his left leg as he shuffled awkwardly across the room. She was yelling "Up! Up!" over and over again. I scanned the kitchen quickly: it was a hot mess. I knew instinctively that the rest of the house would match. Nick leaned in real close and whispered, "who's fucking kids are these?! They were horrible today. I don't know how I don't come home from work to a note on the door saying that you quit and have run away forever. How do you get anything done during the day with these three sucking the life out of you all day long? I'm happy you're home- please don't ever leave me."

     A few days later Nick bought me an iPhone. "Ooooo! Is this my Mother's Day Gift?" I asked (I was almost positive that he had planned on getting me something else.) "No," he said. "This is your reward for not running away. It is also a bribe for you to keep doing...everything. I'm serious, please don't ever leave me." It has been a few days since then and a huge abyss of guilt has formed in the pit of my stomach: I need to come clean to Nick, and hopefully after that, he'll still let me keep the iPhone.

1. It usually takes me 12 hours to unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher and reload it with the dirty stuff- longer if the kids help (and by "help" I mean break shit and scatter and/or hide dirty dishes all over the house.)

2. Peanut butter toast for supper? Every Wednesday night actually...

3. I hide dog treats all over the house, especially in the corners. Saku's fur acts like a giant swiffer cloth. When the treats are gone, and my floors are clean(ish) I let the dog outside to shake it all off.

4.Showering is always optional on hectic days. So is eating. Coffee, however, is mandatory.

5. Given the option to nap or be productive while the kids are sleeping, I always choose nap. There are other lives at stake here.

6.Beds do not get made in our house yet. Closing four bedroom doors takes 6.2 seconds.

7. Noelle and Dryden take a ton of baths. Why? Are they filthy? No- they like playing in water and they leave me alone for a good 30 minutes. I sit with the baby outside the bathroom and close my eyes, pretending that I'm somewhere else. Anywhere else really...

8. I almost never read the real words to any story books at bedtime; I insert my own story line for personal entertainment. The Cat in the Hat had a meth problem in our books and Horton Beats A Hoe. Whatever, I only have a few short years to mess with them like this before they can actually read.

9. They also can't tell time, so bedtime varies according to how bad they are. Death and bad karma to whoever teaches them to tell time.

10. I hide in the bathroom a lot. I'm hiding in there right now.

11. I allow myself one "postal" moment per day. I like to think that being perceived as slightly unstable keeps my kids honest and on their toes. "What do you mean you don't want to finish your goldfish crackers? ARE THEY NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I DON'T THINK SO MISTER! RRRRRAAAARRRR!!!"

12. I have mastered selective hearing. I can filter out 95% of their whining/gibberish. Being shit faced in the middle of the day also helps this skill.

13. There are many, many days where nothing gets done. Nothing. Everyone stays in their jammies, they get to eat whatever shuts them up the fastest, and the house is disgusting until they go to bed.

14. Whenever Noelle has therapies at home, I clean like a mad fiend and stuff as much as I can into the dining room and shut the doors- praying that they don't want to use that room.

15. I repeat quite a few mantras in my head to make it through the day. Examples:
9 more hours til bedtime
9 more hours til bedtime
9 more hours til bedtime...

Being a parent is awesome being a parent is fun
Being a parent is awesome being a parent is fun
Being a parent is awesome being a parent is fun...

It could be worse- you could be cleaning up shit
It could be worse- you could be cleaning up shit
It could be worse- you could be cleaning up shit...

I'm going to go drink some beer and play with my new phone now....

No comments:

Post a Comment