Elf In The Goddamn Garbage

Seriously, am I the only one who absolutely hates the Elf on the Shelf phenomenon?!? Last year I was (barely) able to contain my disdain for this new tradition, but this year, this year I'm considerably more...bitchy? 

Intolerant? 

Cranky because I miss carbs and Pepsi? Obviously, it's all of the above.

Although the Elf on the Shelf drives me nuts- certifiably homicidal as a matter of fact- please don't mistake my dislike for this activity as being "Anti-Christmas", or "lacking Spirit and creativity", or being a general "Poo-Poo Head." 

{Look, isn't he adorable!? What's wrong with you Rachel?!?  >:/  }

My issue with this *incredibly creepy* elf is the introduction of yet another lie to our children. We're very honest with our kids- we use the proper names for body parts even if that makes others uncomfortable, and we don't make up tales to easily explain hard to answer questions. 

** Disclaimer **

I lie on a weekly basis to them about bedtime. This ruthless dishonesty will continue, unchecked, until one of the clever little bastards learn how to tell time.

I have a hard time encouraging my kids to be kind, to share, to use gentle language, to play nice with each other just because a *really creepy* elf is watching them. I expect them to learn to do these things because that's how we're raising them, because I expect them to listen, obey, and emulate our instructions and actions...also, because I'm their frigging Mother And I Said So. #godsohelpmeifyoudontstopfighting! How would we put emphasis and promote these good behaviours beyond Christmas- when that *really fucking creepy elf* is packed away in the basement? 

 

Now before all you Pro-Elfers go ape shit and scour Pintrest looking for horrific/creative acts of revenge for your elves to perform on me...

...chill. I'm genuinely pleased that your family enjoys the creativity, and tradition of Elf on the Shelf. Really. Just keep him away from me; he scares the bejesus out of me. 

{ Hahaha!! I love the look on this dog's face! }

Elf on crazy peeps, Elf on...xo