How a Zombie Apocalypse Would Benefit Me
I'm having an "off" night. I'm enjoying a gratuitous Pepsi while watching mindless TV; I also called it quits with packing tonight- eight boxes piled high next to the back door are a testimate to my deserving access to my former vices. I might have been able to resist the seductive allure of an evening nestled on the couch, bathed in the glow from our wall mounted TV if I hadn't happened upon channel 551- "The Truth Behind Zombies." I was hooked...like a mindless zombie you might say (wow- that was friggin' horrible. My apologies- the sugar from the Pepsi has obviously kicked in.) I love zombie movies; there's nothing better than being alone at night, all the lights off, huddled in the corner of the couch, half hiding behind the kids' Toy Story blanket, being scared silly by the latest walking dead film. My fascination with these gruesome, violent, needlessly and unapologetically gorey movies date back to when I was seven years old. My parents brought home a revolutionary technology- the VCR and a bunch of movies; amongst those VHS tapes was "The Night of the Living Dead." It was my introduction to black and white films (I actually thought the VCR was broken: "Dad, this one's garbage- they forgot to color it.") It scared the bejesus out of my that first time and it was literally years before I stopped being genuinely afraid of zombies. I'll be eternally grateful to my parents for not censoring our movie selections: I was hooked for a lifetime of watching horror movies by myself (or with reluctant and terrified girlfriends) in the dark - as close to the terror of vampires, zombies, aliens, deadly viruses, and psycho killers as my living room would allow me.
Tonight's zombie show is more of a "how-to" guide. It was arguing for the realistic possibility of a zombie-like outbreak and how to survive it. After investing an hour watching this craziness, I'm fairly confident that I would not only survive a zombie take over, but I would actually thrive. As a matter of fact, a "zombie reckoning" would help me accomplish almost all of the goals that I set out to achieve with this blog.
- I would lose tons of weight. Running from zombies burns a whole crap load of calories. Also, food would become limited...unless you're a zombie (obviously)
- I'm almost positive that I would pray more ("sweet Jesus Christ, let me shoot this zombie right..in..the ...head!")
- I think I'd be more social. Since I've studies zombies for years, I might be considered an expert...maybe even sought after as a consultant! Hmm...new job opportunities in the Zombie Era...
- I'd spend less money. Looting will be acceptable and no one will really care if I'm wearing Silver jeans and Steve Madden boots. I will loot Walmart and every dollar store in a 100 km radius.
- I will watch less TV (besdies, I hear zombie sitcoms aren't really that funny- except when they eat the live audience)
- No more drinking Pepsi. I predict that it will be used as a zombie mace and the bubbly liquid will be hoarded
- Most of my family will be zombies (ha! Serves you guys right for not believing in them!) so I don't really have to worry about visiting them anymore
- Get serious about jogging: this is vital to my survival. Zombies love fat people who can't run very far/fast
- Plan a schedule for the week:
>hunt for food
>avoid zombies
>find and hoard water and Pepsi
>play with the kids
>kill some zombies
Unfortunately, a Zombie Apocalypse is not in our immediate future and so I have to continue putting forth an effort to become a well-rounded, healthier person. I guess it's for the best. As for the rest of my evening, a show about Area 51 is about to start, followed by one on Stonehenge. I need to watch these shows to get this stuff out of my system for now. Cheers!
P.S. For the love of Pete- stay out of the cemetery after dark! You're just asking for zombie trouble...
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