Parenting: Boiled Down

     There was once a time in my life when I was not a parent. During this mythical era there were many things that I took for granted- Like:

Wearing hoop earrings without fearing that my ears would suddenly be ripped off by surprisingly strong little fingers.

Wearing a necklace without ever being strangled.

Sleeping the whole night through.

Sleeping in past 7 am.

Basically, just sleeping in general.

Peeing in private. Sub category (a) Never having to scream through the bathroom door: "Mommy's just going pee!! Stop crying and screaming- no one kidnapped me: I'm. Just. Going. Pee!!"

Leisurely poops.

Never wiping someone else's boogers on my pants. Never crossed my mind. Ever.

Being blissfully unaware of who Toopy and Binou, Calliou, The Wiggles, and Yo Gabba Gabba are. 

Fishing out a floating poop from the bath water wasn't always part of my nightly routine.

My young, perky 20 year old boobs didn't require an $85 bra made from titanium, Kevlar, and Spanx to keep them in place and at attention.

I could drink coffee- an entire coffee- in one sitting. Before it got cold. Or a Lego thrown into it. While reading the newspaper that we no longer get.

*stares wistfully into the distance, smiling at the fond memory*

Sexy Time never being interrupted because someone has to kaka and can't reach the light switch and there are monsters hiding in there waiting to bite his bum.

Going out in public, looking fantastic. Talking to other adults at least once. Every day.

Stopping at the grocery store on a whim to just pick up two items. In and out in under five minutes. With no bribes being purchased.

I was never in a situation where I had to catch someone else's vomit or premature poo in my hand. Wasn't really part of my social scene...

I had energy past 8 pm.

I stayed up later than 8:22 pm every night.

We went on actual dates!! (Insert romantic instrumental music here)

I didn't consider laundry a marathon sport.

No one ever slapped me. And if they did- I punched them back. Now I put these aggrataved assult suspects on a time out. Hardly seems like justice.

If someone I loved was screaming, crying, and hyperventilating it was usually because she just caught her boyfriend cheating. Not because I said "No" to Play Doh time.

I had zero (0) Disney movies memorized.